I saw my high school ex today for the first time in a long time.
For the sake of privacy, we're going to call him Flash.
It caught me off guard how quickly seeing him brought me back. Not because I want to get back together or because I think we're meant to be anymore. I think I've finally made peace with the fact that our story is over.
But there's something about your high school ex that no one prepares you for.
There will never be another love quite like it.
It's the only love that grows up with you.
When I met Flash, we were still kids. We learned how to be in a relationship together. We celebrated birthdays, holidays, football games, college acceptances, and all those little milestones that feel so huge when you're seventeen. For a while, our lives didn't just overlap, they became one.
At one point, I couldn't picture my future without him in it.
It was supposed to be us.
And then one day (cliché enough)... it wasn't.
The hardest part isn't even losing the relationship.
It's losing the friendship too.
One day, the person who knew absolutely everything about you becomes someone you pass on campus without really knowing anymore. That's a strange kind of grief that people don't talk about enough.
We even go to the same college.
Freshman year, we almost found our way back to each other. Looking back, I sometimes wonder what would've happened if we had.
Instead, I left him for someone who turned out to be completely wrong for me.
THE ACTUAL DEVIL
For a long time, I beat myself up over that decision. I convinced myself I had thrown away my future.
But time has a funny way of changing the stories we tell ourselves.
Maybe I didn't throw away my future.
Maybe I was just living the one I needed to.
People will probably read this and think I'm just not over him.
Maybe they'll think I have attachment issues.
But this isn't really about wanting him back.
It's about acknowledging that someone can shape your life forever without still being a part of it.
Flash taught me what it felt like to be cared for.
He taught me what patience looked like. What kindness looked like. What it felt like to have someone genuinely rooting for you.
Even when we weren't speaking, I found myself remembering the way he treated me. The standard he set stayed with me long after the relationship ended. In ways he probably doesn't even realize, he helped shape the person I became and the kind of love I know I deserve.
I think that's one of the greatest gifts someone can leave you with.
Not themselves.
But a better understanding of yourself.
Sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to keep dating when the only person I've ever truly envisioned an entire life with was him.
How do you start over after you've already picked out forever with someone else?
The answer, I guess, is that you just do.
Slowly.
Awkwardly.
One person at a time.
I've come to terms with the fact that Flash and I probably won't ever have another chapter together.
And surprisingly...
I'm okay with that.
Because if my first love could be that gentle, that patient, and that genuine, then maybe I shouldn't be afraid of what's ahead.
Maybe I should be excited.
If that was my first experience with love, imagine what it will feel like when I meet someone who's actually meant to stay.
Sometimes I think we put so much pressure on first loves to last forever that we forget their real purpose.
Maybe they aren't meant to be our ending.
Maybe they're meant to teach us how we deserve to be loved.
Flash did that for me.
And because of him, I know I'll never settle for anything less than a love that's kind.
So if you're reading this and you're still carrying a little piece of your high school ex around with you...
I don't think that makes you weak.
I think it makes you human.
Some people leave your life.
But they'll always leave fingerprints on who you become.
And maybe that's okay.
Maybe that's exactly what they were supposed to do.
but if ur seeing this and ur him......
