You dont find Girls, Girls finds you
I've always been anxious.
Not the kind of anxious where I'm scared to order my own food, but the kind where my brain is always ten steps ahead, trying to figure out my entire life before it's even happened. I always feel like I should know what I'm doing. Like I should already have a five-year plan, know my dream job, know where I'll live, who I'll marry, and somehow have it all figured out.
The truth is...
I don't.
That's why Girls found me at exactly the right time.
I honestly believe you don't find Girls. Girls finds you.
Maybe that's dramatic, but I don't think you can appreciate it until you're living it. If I had watched it a few years ago, I probably would've shut it off after two episodes. I would've thought everyone was annoying and dramatic. But at twenty? It felt like someone had been secretly reading my journal.
The first time I watched it, I hated everyone.
Every single character annoyed me in a different way. They were selfish, awkward, dramatic, and constantly making terrible decisions. I couldn't understand why people loved a show where nobody seemed like a good person.
Then something weird happened.
The more I watched, the more I started seeing myself in every single one of them.
Hannah Horvath was the first one.
She's awkward. She's self-centered. She overthinks everything. She wants so badly for her life to mean something that she convinces herself she's destined for greatness before she's done anything to earn it.
There's a scene where she says she thinks she could be "the voice of my generation... or at least a voice of a generation."
It's such an absurd thing to say, and yet every time I hear it, I understand exactly what she means.
I don't think I'm the voice of my generation. But I know what it feels like to think your thoughts are bigger than you are. To feel like you have so much wisdom and so much to say, while also realizing you've barely lived enough life to know anything at all.
I spend so much time thinking about the person I want to become that I forget I'm still becoming her.
Then there's Marnie.
She's the version of yourself that wants everything to look perfect. She plans every detail because she thinks if everything around her is in order, maybe she'll finally feel okay too.
I've done that more times than I'd like to admit. I've tried so hard to seem like I know exactly what I'm doing, when really I'm just hoping nobody notices I'm figuring it out as I go.
Shoshanna reminds me of the excitement you have before the world humbles you. She's optimistic, hopeful, and believes adulthood is going to happen in a straight line. Watching her slowly realize that's not how life works broke my heart because I think every twenty-something goes through that exact realization.
And then there's Jessa.
For the longest time, I wanted to be Jessa. ( Then I hated her...) She seemed fearless. She walked into every room like she didn't care what anyone thought.
But underneath all of that confidence was someone who was terrified of sitting still. She kept running because if she ever stopped, she'd have to face herself.
I think we've all been a little bit of Jessa too.
What I love most about Girls isn't that the characters are good people.
They're not.
They're selfish. They're messy. They make horrible decisions. They hurt each other.
But so do people.
And that's what makes the show feel so real.
I can honestly say Girls fundamentally changed me.
Not because it gave me answers.
It did the opposite.
It made me realize that nobody has them.
Somehow, after finishing it, I stopped feeling so behind. I stopped expecting myself to wake up one day with everything figured out. I realized that maybe your twenties aren't supposed to be polished. Maybe they're supposed to be confusing. Maybe you're supposed to make mistakes, change your mind, lose people, find yourself, and repeat the cycle over and over again.
One of the things I started doing after watching the show sounds so stupid, but it's become my little ritual.
Whenever my anxiety gets really bad, I put on "Dancing On My Own."
I blast it through my headphones, sing every word at the top of my lungs, and dance around my room by myself.
For three minutes, I stop trying to solve my entire future.
I stop worrying about where I'm supposed to be.
I stop trying to become the perfect version of myself.
I just dance.
Because in the end...
I'm twenty.
I'm supposed to be embarrassing.
I'm supposed to make bad decisions, change my mind, romanticize random Tuesdays, cry over things that won't matter in five years, and laugh at myself afterward.
Maybe that's why Girls has stayed with me.
It never tried to convince me that life magically works out.
It just reminded me that everyone is pretending they know what they're doing.
One day, I'll probably look back at this post and cringe.
And honestly?
I hope I do.
Because that means I kept growing.
And maybe that's the whole point.
Maybe you don't find Girls.
Girls finds you.